Travel – The Work of Women

As promised earlier this week, I’m back with my list of the Ten Worst Things about Europe. BE WARNED: THIS LIST CONTAINS PICTURES OF MY LEG AND ANKLE! (This warning is mostly relevant to any of my readers who have traveled in time from the nineteenth century. If you are reading this, sorry for lewd images, and also can I borrow your Tardis?).

10. Getting this bruise:

So I guess it’s kind of hard to see in that picture, but my first afternoon in Paris I was walking along the Rue Montorgueil (or as my non-French-speaking friends called it, the “Rue Mononmont…ugh, whatever”) and it was raining, like, SUPER hard, and I slipped in front of a bunch of skinny, smoking French people, and fell on my knee hard and it hurt like a motha, and the bruise is still there and going strong. MERDE!

9. Rain: This is a continuation of number 10, I guess, but it rained hard three days when I was in Europe and THIS WAS BULLSHIT. Didn’t Europe know that it was me, Jackie, who was coming to visit it? It couldn’t have held off on the rain for, like, one more week out of courtesy? THANKS A LOT, EUROPE. This would never have happened in California.* (On the plus side, I guess Europe does look pretty cool in the rain, see below).

Siena in the rain. Pretty awesome, actually.

8. Air France: Ok, this one isn’t funny and I don’t have a pic, but basically those assholes stole 216 bucks from me and I hate them and am never flying them again. It’s a long story but if you really care you can check out my Twitter from this morning lol.

7. Hangovers: When I was last in Europe, I was twenty years old and could literally club all night and drink endless wine without any repercussions. Now that I am thirty this is most definitely not the case. I paid dearly for this concoction, for instance (but, my God, was it delicious):

6. These shoes:

So...chic? Ugh. — They speak for themselves

So this is also a result of #9 – the evil RAIN. My friend T and I were walking in the rain in Toms shoes to the Louvre, which was ill-advised on many levels, and we had no choice but to stop at a random shoe store and try to find waterproof shoes in our size. Sadly, the only shoes available in my size were these (though T picked up a decent blue/black glittery pair which she threw out – bad decision, T!). Apparently, the French have tiny feet. The worst part was that I had to wear the above shoes with these pants:

The patterns really mesh well, don't you think? — The patterns really mesh well, don’t you think?

Not chic, guys.

5. The number on this scale:

Who am I kidding? I’ve been too afraid to get back on this old horse. No matter how much walking I did, no way it made up for this:

TIRAMISU – I know I put this in the last post but it was SO GOOD.

4. Bugs: The bugs in Europe are surprising vicious. I was attacked by one especially horrid one in the courtyard of the Florence Basilica, leaving me with these scars two whole weeks later:

What I’m really saying is, the bugs in Europe hate Jesus. Yeah, that’s it.

3. Smoking: Look, we Americans may be fat with big feet and cover all of our meals with melted cheese, but at least we’re not constantly inhaling poisonous fumes and blowing them all over other people. I swear, no one in Europe can go twenty seconds without lighting up. I’m kind of allergic, so this is genuinely awful for me.

2. Hot guys: Too many of them. There’s such a thing as an embarrassment of riches, Europe. Though they’re all skinnier than I am, so that helped matters.

1. Paper and Candle Stores: Ok, Europe, what the hell – do you want me to be INCREDIBLY BROKE? YOU HAVE STORES THAT SELL JUST PAPER AND JUST CANDLES EVERYWHERE. Just LOOK at this beautiful effing fan I bought:

It's not ok that it is this beautiful — It’s not ok that it is this beautiful

I spent, like, twenty euros on this fan. When, you may ask, am I ever going to use this fan? NEVER, THAT’S WHEN. But it is so pretty and made of hand-painted paper!

Also, LOOK AT THIS CANDLE:

Welp, there's another 20 Euro down the drain — Welp, there’s another 20 Euro down the drain

It looks like it’s made of glass, AND IT’S A WAX CANDLE. COME ON, ITALY. IS THIS A JOKE? I’M GOING TO LIVE IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER AFTER THIS TRIP.

Don’t get me started on the soap stores. I just didn’t go into them. I would have had to declare bankruptcy if I had.

So, yeah, these are my top ten complaints about Europe. As you might imagine, this was my face when I had to leave:

BUT I DIDN'T BUY ALL THE CANDLES IN EXISTENCE I CAN'T LEAVE YET! — BUT I DIDN’T BUY ALL THE CANDLES IN EXISTENCE I CAN’T LEAVE YET!

Love ya, Europe. Never change! xoxo Jackie

*I am aware that it is actually a bad thing that it never rains in California. I am not making light of the drought, which hopefully will be alleviated by El Niño. Chill out, guys. I care about the environment, GOD.

Confession: I don’t usually like traveling. I know: everyone likes to travel, right? If you don’t, then you are a boring lame homebody with no friends and nothing interesting to say and also a racist (I think this is the case, who knows). This is the general face I make when I am about to travel:

Every time I travel, I’m anxious for at least two days beforehand. A lot of this anxiety is similar to how I feel sometimes about just leaving the house, but some of it is very travel-specific, including:

Packing: Can we all just admit that the TSA carry-on liquid requirement is horrible and also sexist? If society expects women to maintain a perfect standard of beauty at all times, then it cannot also expect us to fit all of our necessary toiletries into a tiny ziplock bag in stupid 3 oz bottles, especially if we wear contact lenses and have to make a difficult choice between that mini sunscreen and that bottle of lens cleaner. I believe that it is a conspiracy between the TSA and the companies that make travel-size toiletries. It’s the TSA/MiniToiletries Industrial Complex.
Being on a plane: Being on planes is THE WORST. You are cramped, and your back hurts, and someone is ALWAYS farting, and the guy next to you is almost certainly going to spend the majority of the flight elbowing you or accidentally falling asleep on your shoulder. It is just awful, unless you are in first class, and even then you’re still on a plane, and your skin will dry out, your nasal passages will contract or something and you will die of dehydration, probably.
Luggage: Luggage is also the worst. It is heavy and rolls downhill when you are not holding onto it, and then you have to chase after it and you’re sweating, and everyone looks at you and points and laughs. Ughhh. Can’t we just invent transporters and replicators already?
Bathrooms: Never there when you need one, especially when you’re on your period (sorry boys, but get over it it’s a real issue and is also the reason we are all alive).

Despite all this, I voluntarily travel all the time, and I’m finally learning to like it. Don’t get me wrong, all the above things still stuck, but I’m finally, at the age of thirty, figuring out that going to a new city or country is almost always well worth the anxiety and trouble of getting there, which is really the part I hate. That may sound like the most obvious thought ever, but anxiety is not always rational and I’ve definitely chosen not to go places or do things in the past because I was too worried or upset about the process of getting to where I needed to go to see those places or do those things.

It was this weekend that clinched actually liking travel for me. I spent a few days in San Diego with a friend and they were just perfect. I went to Comic Con; I visited the San Diego Zoo; I saw Seaport Village and the Gaslamp Quarter; I went on a Harbor Cruise; I toured the Midway; I saw Old Town. Now, the trip from SF to San Diego is very short and painless, but I experienced the same horrible anxiety before leaving last week that I have so many times in the past, only to be surprised to experience three perfect days (even at Comic Con, where I was ridiculously nervous about fainting/dying in the crowds). Now, I’m planning a trip to Italy at the end of August, and my anxiety level is so much lower than it ever has been in the past regarding traveling. I think I’ve hit a turning point – who knows, maybe I’ll do something really crazy like travel completely alone sometime soon?

This post is sort of random, but I’m just grateful that I’m finally able to enjoy something that I’ve been doing for so long without constant worry. While I’m off to look at flights (GAH SO MUCH MONEY) to Florence, Italy, enjoy some highlights from my trip. Hope you’re traveling someplace fun yourself, soon!